ok....so...de current thing tts on my mind now is..........ryt.....everybodys thinking of promos..ok mayb not those whose got bright future..who doesnt haf any trouble passing a single exam...but ppl like me.... oh u do realize i havent been passing any exams diz year....im below average..im underperforming!!!! n i have not the slightest clue how u guys can tell me tt its not a prob fer me to clear dis year...wif my .....oh i dunnooo....i dunno...i dunno.....sighz....guess dats my usual ans whenva my brain got jammed up.....too stressed to think over these things.....

im soo scared...

ryt...if i say " im scared i wun make it to yr 3.."

typical ans  a guy wld give.... " start studying" or " start wif ur notes" n wateva shit like tt.

a gurl's ans wld be ... " relax..take it slow..." n den start suggesting how wed do things togather...

well...personally i wld like to hear the gurls ans....sya u did made me feel better. though the guys' ans is true to some extent....well...im not practically wanting u to tell me that. i know that. but im juz...i dunno...sighz...i juz dunno...

sighz...it doesnt help being a pessimist....n my Drained confidence juz made me worse. im not self motivated. n i haf nothing to motivate me ryt now. nothing.

i dunno y i transfered all my files home when i know im not gona open em up to rev. which is exactly wat happend. nthg hppned. whis is y im freaking out. bcuz i havent done a single shit. blame my procratinating attitude. but im scared tt this procratinating me will continue n wun start doing it even at the last min.

but geez i tried....i wanted to....i did try to change my mindset...i wanted to study...i juz need help. i juz need someone to sit wif me n make sure i do...make sure i study n help me along.  but where am i gona get tt useful somebody..i dunnoo...

i tried gg to study wif alin one day...planned to go national lib.  dah smangat nak blajar n den dat security guard sez dat we cant do self study der...n so ok...we juz went in wifout notes, nothing. n de whole 13 storey was fraeking deserted. n we were wondering y build  a 13 storey lib where nobody visits....n den we found out tt everybody was crowding at the basement... i juz wanted to laugh my arse off. dats like a fkg clear distinguishing btwn ...i dunno wat but itz like....everybodys dwn at the basement ....like de low class ppl....n nobody relli goes in any of the above surface storey..itz sooo sad..... omg....wata waste of resources when nobody is actually allowed to use it..sighz....itz like a total discrimination...to what im not sure but itz a clear cut btwn levels..

sighz...i guess de spirit to study juz died when i found out abt all dis nonsense things...so where de hell r we allowed to rack our brains n at least study? at home? oh no...ive been tryng to get away frm home these past week.....guests r like neverending in my house ...juz bcuz ive a sick granmother staying here a while....sighz...n as de eldest i do feel guilty tt im trying to get away instead of helping my mom...sighz...

n guests...they juz dunno how to shut up. i mean here they r flooding my house...n then they start asking me...wheres my books....which  is to imply y am i not studying...when he seez my siz soo stressed up frantically trying to finish up her hws...n me...i was practially stoning. ...oh he doesnt know im wishing tt u ppl will juz disappear n be gone. leave me alone. i want my room back. i want my privacy back. i want my life back.

listen man. how the hell can i start opening up my files n my notes n scatter my things about my room when i still haf to clean up n clear up my stuff bcuz u ppl keep coming?? how the hell can i start doing my hw wif u coming in n outa room n kids shouting n running abt the house? im not like my sister whu can tolerate u freaks. im not like ur brainy kids who is president of the student council n other successfull sons n daughter. im not. im juz not ok. i know wat i need. i know wat i can. n i know wat i cant. n i cant b like my sizta or any of ur brainy kids. i juz cant ok.  so stop expecting the same outa all of us. urgh!!!!!!!!

wch juz brings me back to exams...exams exams exams....omg..their haunting me...im scared... relli i am....i dunno y......but ...i juz am.... oh godz.. im so losing my senses. ash sed i need to be back normal....sighz...guess im ....not normal fer now... sigh sigh sigh.....

to state a fact that u cld bloody well face a fkg tiring day?
n i cant?
tt i haf to complain abt every single fkd up thing tt happens?
n tt i shld learn frm u n not being such a sissy complaining abt everything else 24-7?????

tt msg was like the fkg last thing i need today.
thank you dear for making my day.
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Dear BLoggy...today was such a fkd up day....i went to hospital to visit my granma...n then my poor mum...she was there since morning till now..evening...she had to rush home cuz dad had a nite shift today n she gota get ready for him....we tried to flag a taxi outside de hosp...but no fkd up taxi stop 4 us poor souls. n it was blardy drizzling...blame my mums impatience cuz she decided to skip the taxi stand...den we wanted to take a bus at the nearest buststop but ders no buz gg to clementi..so we walked all the way up the next bustop n wait fkg long 4 the bus to arrive... n when it bloody hell finally did...the fkd up buz was like fkg crammed wif sardined ppl  inside n it din even stop 4 us. BLardy hell bus. n then mum was all complaining n all. hey it isnt fair tt i shld b listening to her complains. its her fault tt she wanted to skip the taxi stand...we wldve gotten one by now. n so i suggested we used that. so we walked all the way back to the main building juz to use that fkd up taxi stand...welcomed by a freaking big Que at the faithful taxi stand. pls be considerate enuf to think of my most unfrtunate situation at that very point of tym. n i juz kept cursing every bloody taxi that come n go bcuz itz still isnt our turn..doesnt that happen to u b4? mayb not....oh i 4got...u r even more patient then i am...u myt haf perhaps let the whole crowd finish n wun mind being the last person getting a taxi. so wat if u've juz had 3h+ training. dun u always haf that? or mayb even worse n longer hrs then that b4??? y make such a big deal out of it? n as i haf said...u sending me tt msg at tt very point of tym i was cursing at every damn thing that cld go wrong. tt was enuf. i juz cldnt be bothered anymore. let u send me a 100 msgs bacck. if im cruel enuf i myt haf juz ignored all that.  but since im such a nice gurl at heart i replied u back even with short replies. true u told me not to breakdown. like hello...how can i in the middle of the crowd...suddenly broke dwn in tears for goddam no bloody reason. im stil sane. i hope. plus spare a thoght 4 my mum. shes had a long day n tonyt relli didnt help her one least bit. at last when we did get a cab...de silent comforting quiet atmosphere of the cab. its so inviting to shed a tear. oh no..not now...not when mums beside me. we got off at clementi...got sum food 4 dad n the rest n que up at the taxi stand. tt was mums idea. she din wana flag another taxi tt wun stop 4 her or take the train bcuz itz so troublesome n long to wait. but fkd up fate juz made us wait 4 another 1/2 hour plus tt seems like 4eva to get a cab home. n juz bloody lucky me...this fkd up bastard juz haf to stand  beside me n start smoking his fkg arse off. u bloody fkg piece of rotting shit. dun u bloody hell know tt ure not spoz to smoke when ur in a bloody hell que?!!!!!!!!!!! i felt like screaming at his fkd up face. but im ju z clamming myself shut. im afraid tt if i were to open my mouth....nthg will come outa my mouth. man i can nvr quarrell in ppls fkd up faces. guess ill most probly break dwn n cry which im trying very hard not to at that very moment. that fkd up taxis r juz destroying me mentally n tt guy is simply adding e final flavour to the already suffering soul. i stayed clammed all the way home...made my way to the toilet n cried my blardy hearts out. i dunno 4god knows how long i stayed  curled up at one corner of the toilet pouring all the liquid in me tru my eyes. picture that. oh wata scene i must've been. u myt think i was being a lil too dramatic at my own misfortunes. oh well..laugh then. laugh at that poor suffering soul that might haf perhaps develop from her hiccupping cries to long hysterical laughters. oh i was...i myt have been perhaps on the brink of insanity. i  wasnt crying bcuz of juz wat happened...wat happened today was like the final ingredient to complete a whole big blast as a product. i did blew my top....tru crying relli...wat else...i cldnt think...i dunno wat to think...i dunno how to think...n i cldnt stop bcuz i was confusing me...i dun know how to think not to think of wat to think of which i dun even know of wat to think at all....oh slap me...wake me up...tell me im speaking my nonsense lit language..which u urself called it. that one that i need was the one that pissed me. oh im sori. i haf nothing else to offer u accept my apology. if wateva my actions....my speeches were to make u unhappy...i beg your pardon.....but dun expect too high an expectation 4 me to change me ur way. bcuz i most probably wun. bcuz i do it my way. call me selfish. wateva. i dun care.

i realli dun feel like talking tonyt. if perhaps u were to call me...i myt haf continued my hiccuping cries or worse start screaming at u in the fone. i tried to slp but my aching heart wldnt let me cry me to slp. i had to come here n pour every single shit out of me b4 i can hit my bed in peace. bet ur already drooling by now anw... im juz sori ryt....

id rather break my back seearching 4 a gd bk tts got everything i need rather then bits n pieces of info everywhere frm de net....
sighz..
i hate pw..
i hate pw
i fucking hate pw!!!!!

sighz...
so...ive mention sch...so i hafta come to de upcoming bloody promos. ah fkd up promos. sighz...wif de rate im gg ryt now...im relli having doubts to come to sch one day n know tt ill b taking the As at the end of the year. sumhow smthg in me says id most probly hafta do yr 2 again. sighz... zit worth it? guess not...i shld juz do the As n get it done n over wif..but how....im scared i wun even go thru yr 2 ...sighz...

dayah practically scream at me to start doin ma werk...but how.....how how how.
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Dear Bloggy...

im juz scared i cant do it bcuz im simply starting to lost interest in wateva im doing now. im scared of that. i practically dun haf any drive to set me working.i dun haf that will to do de As. bcuz...to b practical....i know i cant...my goal nvr was the U. pls dun look dwn on me bcuz i dun wana go ther. no....itz not tt i dun want...but i nvr dreamt of gg there juz bcuz...i know i cannot do tt well to go that far. sighz...but on the other hand deep dwn in me i know i dun wan it to b de end of the road 4 me. if i were to go 4 it....my reason wld b bcuz of my dad...bcuz of my mom... n not bcuz of me.  i know it is the wrong reasons...but at least 4 now...im living wif that... but i guess itz not enuff 4 me to even reach yr 3 4 now....sighz...im juz losing my insane me.
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so waddaya make outa that? sounds crazy...guess i am...im still searching me. lost me. pls help me find me. sighz....

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

fk the whole damn bloody thing!!! urGH!!!


i wish u nvr told me i was on tv....
i wish u nvr told me i was on the news
i wish u nvr told me i was all over Singapore
i wish u nvr made me to wait tt long
i wish u nvr made me look forward to c me.
i wish u NVr made me lOST My patience.

bcuz now that ive blown myself up...
its all bcuz of u...

uve spoilt my entire day....
u spoilt my entire Mood